Solo Savasana
Today I took a yoga class in town. Since moving here and having kids, I have only attended a few classes. I think 5, maybe, in 6 years. They are so far away, and it's hard to settle into a new class once you have left your main teacher of many years. Nobody seems to measure up. But this month, I've attended a class from a woman I know, because my good friend goes and it was an excuse to hang out with her. It's a good workout with a lovely teacher in a nice space with childcare. Nothing too deep, just a good class I enjoy.
But today I almost started sobbing in savasana.
The last few weeks have been really hard for me. We had a doozy of a full moon, that seemed to bring to the surface some feelings that I'm finding hard. See, I have 2 children. My son is in 1st grade and loving it. My daughter Amelia is nearly 5 and set to start kindergarten in the fall.
When I had kids... like many people... it was a real adjustment. Before they came along, my husband and I both spent a lot of time practicing the things that we wanted to learn. 90+ minutes of yoga in the morning, 30-60 minutes of violin, some days a bit of tai chi and at the end of the day, another 30-45 minutes of yoga/meditation before bed.
That's a lot of time by yourself being very focused. A LOT!
Fast forward to later. I still practice yoga every morning. But it's always with kids around. And never for more than 45 minutes. ALWAYS interrupted by having to wipe someone's bottom, break up an argument, look at a picture. They are increasingly good at playing by themselves when I have my mat out. But I'm in the sun room... which doubles as a play room. So around my mat legos are being built, coloring is being done. It's great, really. If I'm balancing with a leg up in the air, there are spontaneous limbo dances. In a back bend, they crawl under the bridge. If sitting doing pranayama, I allow a quiet person to sit on my lap and read quietly. And when in savasana, one of my kids will usually lay on my tummy and rest with me while I hold them. This is mommy yoga (it's also daddy yoga... but this is my blog). Steve and I fondly refer to this as 'advanced yoga', because you have to be able to easily come back to your focus after breaking up a fight and balance with the limbo going on under you. But it's really not ideal.
One thing that is ideal is the love that I feel. I cannot begin to tell you how it feels to be doing a seated practice with a quite child in your lap. It changes me completely in a very profound way. And my heart opens with so much love when a child sees me getting ready for savasana (which she's been waiting patiently for) and lays down on me.
But this week the hard stuff has been the feeling of losing my children. Both of them in school all day. I do not feel relief, I feel grief. I won't go into my thoughts and plans of home schooling them... that is very probable. But probably not this year. Besides, I think this is bigger. I'm a mother. I'm a full-time, all-the-time mother. It's who I am now. It is my purpose. It feels good. I find the idea of being without them scary. I kind of don't know who I am without them. They are my structure, they keep me grounded. Other endeavors seem kind of shallow to me right now.
That's one of the reasons I will put off the idea of home schooling for now. Because I don't want to mix up what is best for my children with my fear of finding my own way... or at least a little bit of it outside of being a wife and mother. And don't think for a second this is easy for me to admit. I feel really lame even saying this. But I get it. And I want to be a good teacher to them and a good role model. I feel the best way for me to do that is to reconnect with the things that I love, value my own time, need for learning and my own creativity. Then maybe I can do that alongside them as I am a mother to older, slightly less needy children who need a different kind of role model.
Solo savasana feels really shitty right now. It's so great to be in a yoga class without having to worry about anyone under me in urdva danurasana (back bend). But really lonely in savasana. Need to remember how to find that without the love of a child to pull it out of me. But so grateful for the help the past 6 years.
But today I almost started sobbing in savasana.
The last few weeks have been really hard for me. We had a doozy of a full moon, that seemed to bring to the surface some feelings that I'm finding hard. See, I have 2 children. My son is in 1st grade and loving it. My daughter Amelia is nearly 5 and set to start kindergarten in the fall.
When I had kids... like many people... it was a real adjustment. Before they came along, my husband and I both spent a lot of time practicing the things that we wanted to learn. 90+ minutes of yoga in the morning, 30-60 minutes of violin, some days a bit of tai chi and at the end of the day, another 30-45 minutes of yoga/meditation before bed.
That's a lot of time by yourself being very focused. A LOT!
Fast forward to later. I still practice yoga every morning. But it's always with kids around. And never for more than 45 minutes. ALWAYS interrupted by having to wipe someone's bottom, break up an argument, look at a picture. They are increasingly good at playing by themselves when I have my mat out. But I'm in the sun room... which doubles as a play room. So around my mat legos are being built, coloring is being done. It's great, really. If I'm balancing with a leg up in the air, there are spontaneous limbo dances. In a back bend, they crawl under the bridge. If sitting doing pranayama, I allow a quiet person to sit on my lap and read quietly. And when in savasana, one of my kids will usually lay on my tummy and rest with me while I hold them. This is mommy yoga (it's also daddy yoga... but this is my blog). Steve and I fondly refer to this as 'advanced yoga', because you have to be able to easily come back to your focus after breaking up a fight and balance with the limbo going on under you. But it's really not ideal.
One thing that is ideal is the love that I feel. I cannot begin to tell you how it feels to be doing a seated practice with a quite child in your lap. It changes me completely in a very profound way. And my heart opens with so much love when a child sees me getting ready for savasana (which she's been waiting patiently for) and lays down on me.
But this week the hard stuff has been the feeling of losing my children. Both of them in school all day. I do not feel relief, I feel grief. I won't go into my thoughts and plans of home schooling them... that is very probable. But probably not this year. Besides, I think this is bigger. I'm a mother. I'm a full-time, all-the-time mother. It's who I am now. It is my purpose. It feels good. I find the idea of being without them scary. I kind of don't know who I am without them. They are my structure, they keep me grounded. Other endeavors seem kind of shallow to me right now.
That's one of the reasons I will put off the idea of home schooling for now. Because I don't want to mix up what is best for my children with my fear of finding my own way... or at least a little bit of it outside of being a wife and mother. And don't think for a second this is easy for me to admit. I feel really lame even saying this. But I get it. And I want to be a good teacher to them and a good role model. I feel the best way for me to do that is to reconnect with the things that I love, value my own time, need for learning and my own creativity. Then maybe I can do that alongside them as I am a mother to older, slightly less needy children who need a different kind of role model.
Solo savasana feels really shitty right now. It's so great to be in a yoga class without having to worry about anyone under me in urdva danurasana (back bend). But really lonely in savasana. Need to remember how to find that without the love of a child to pull it out of me. But so grateful for the help the past 6 years.
Great Reflection! I love how you cherish mommy-hood!
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