Getting Rowan to Sleep: Parenting Plan B
Just the other day, another mom was over and noticed our bedtime ritual. It's nothing special, really. It's short, and uneventful. Unless you know it's history. She said, 'You're so lucky that your kids go to bed so easily. My kids need us to stay with them until they are asleep most of the time, and it's sooooo exhausting.'
I am not lucky... I EARNED that one, sister. I know every child is different. But most of us have had a child who really frustrated us with their inability to get to sleep by themselves at one time or another. My first child was like this and it was HELL!
See, I subscribed to a very loose and inexperienced liberal parenting philosophy when I got pregnant the first time. I was keen to keep my baby close, nurse on-demand, co-sleep, child-centered everything. So that's what I got... a demanding feeder, a child who couldn't stand to be left alone and one who was used to have me do his bidding 24/7. It was exhausting... but I was JUST about keeping my head above water... until...
I got pregnant again. On purpose, mind you. But still... could I do this with TWO demanding monsters? F*#K NO! So immediately after figuring this out (a month into my 2nd pregnancy) I started an 8-month program to get Rowan to fall asleep by himself and stay that way. Because I was spending at least 1 hour every day laying down for a nap w/ him (so not getting anything done during that precious time), 1 hour at bedtime laying down with him, and then awake a few times every night (he's about 18 months old at this point) helping him get back to sleep. I figured I wasn't going to have to work much harder getting him to change than I was working now.
I read every sleeping book I could find until I figured out what our issues were and how to address it. But I had tried that 'cry it out' thing w/ him and he could go for 90 minutes and that was my limit. Instead, I did the 'gradual retreat'.
See, the reason I'm posting this is because I hear people struggling with this in not just their 2 year olds... but their 6 year olds!! I think I would be absolutely mental by that point. At 42, I have very little tolerance for sleep deprivation. And some people have told me that this story gave them some good ideas and HOPE that it could change. So here is what I did.
GOT TO THE LIBRARY
I stocked up on some good books. And I mean big ones. Epic novels. Great pieces of literature that I'd always wanted to read, but lacked the focus and time to really devote to getting my head around them. And really, juicy, fun ones that you can't ever put down. I made friends with our librarian, Cindy, who just started reserving books she though I would like, and some that would challenge me. Then I sat up in bed w/ a reading light clipped onto my book and read right next to that sleep-deprived little boy. He cuddled me and tried to get my attention, but I just ignored everything. I was there, physically... but my attention was totally in my book. For an hour or more. So no more time devoted... but I did get some reading in and felt less frustrated. This went on for a week or so. Then I sat in a chair next to the bed and read. I sat as long as it took. This was a less popular option because he wanted to touch me. I mean, that's how he soothes himself to sleep because I never taught him another way. Sometimes he would protest and get out of bed. I told him if he got out of bed, I was moving another foot away. This was undesirable, so, in the end, he stayed in bed. Again another week (or two).
This carried on as I inched towards the door. But I have to warn you... if you try this, it's not always a linear progression. Things would often go well the first night or two, then there would be a backlash for a few days. But by now I was solidly into my books. This was the most selfish reading time I'd had in 2 years and I was loving it. I was there for my child. But he was not getting my attention. It was time to sleep. Around this time I was also sleeping BY MYSELF IN ANOTHER ROOM which was heaven. I was too pregnant to cuddle well and he woke less w/ his dad in the bed. Dad cuddles clearly were not the reward he was wanting. I still remember the bliss of sleeping 8 hours straight in a comfy bed all by myself after nearly 2 years of sleep deprivation.
I spent quite a long time reading just outside his door with it ajar. This is when he was nearly 2 and learned the word 'ajar'. I was still there outside the door when his sister was born. I though I wasn't ready to leave that post and needed time I didn't have anymore. I discovered he grew up quite a bit and when I put him down and the baby cried, I could say, 'Oh, I need to go check on Amelia. I'll come back and check on you later. Just go to sleep.' And he WOULD! He got it that there was someone who needed my attention MORE than he did. Sometimes I would remotely make my phone ring and say I had to go answer it and would check on him later and that worked too! So there I was, about 8-9 months later. I hadn't saved any time with all my reading, but now Rowan was well on his way to sleeping by himself and that was great. And I had become a reader again. I'd got through some thick ones which I normally wouldn't have been motivated to get through. But I was rewarded with some wonderful books. I think The Grapes of Wrath was my favorite from that time. I can't believe I hadn't read it before.
Rowan also noticed that his sister had a lovey to sleep with. A soft little baby. He said that he wanted a baby to sleep with too. (DUH!!!) So to this day, he sleeps with a lovey too.
It did take about another year or two for him to stop coming in my room most nights to get tucked back in. This took star charts and a continued effort... but less with each month. Funnily enough, the promise of a ride on the carousel for a week of not waking me up worked great when he was 3 years old. I thought he was scared and needed me, but he was fine. And knowing I could be trumped by a carousel proved it to me. Remember, this took me 8 months of being committed to a plan. But if I hadn't done it then, I know we'd still be struggling today.
Now his sister... totally different. I followed a different book on her. Sure she is a different person, but from the time she was a few weeks old, I was letting her fall asleep on her own. Giving her 3-4 minutes to whimper while she drifted off. I let her sit in her bouncy chair for short periods... giving way to longer periods in her play pen when she grew... so she could get used to playing by herself without my constant presence. I counted to 10 before I came when she cried so she could figure out I had other responsibilities. I realized it is a wonderful thing... the gift of independence. Teaching a child to rest comfortably in their own company. She was a very contented baby.
I think I had to learn what kind of parent I was and let go of the kind of parent I wanted to be. I need a lot of time on my own to not talk. I like to keep my hands busy working, making things. I like to have my kids with me, along side me, but not needing my attention all the time. And I need a schedule with predictability. I find my kids like that too. I was a really naive and idealistic new parent. I'm just glad I had a friend who had the nerve to point out that it didn't have to be the way it was and that I had the power to change it and create a happier house for everyone in it. Thanks Jen. xo
I am not lucky... I EARNED that one, sister. I know every child is different. But most of us have had a child who really frustrated us with their inability to get to sleep by themselves at one time or another. My first child was like this and it was HELL!
See, I subscribed to a very loose and inexperienced liberal parenting philosophy when I got pregnant the first time. I was keen to keep my baby close, nurse on-demand, co-sleep, child-centered everything. So that's what I got... a demanding feeder, a child who couldn't stand to be left alone and one who was used to have me do his bidding 24/7. It was exhausting... but I was JUST about keeping my head above water... until...
I got pregnant again. On purpose, mind you. But still... could I do this with TWO demanding monsters? F*#K NO! So immediately after figuring this out (a month into my 2nd pregnancy) I started an 8-month program to get Rowan to fall asleep by himself and stay that way. Because I was spending at least 1 hour every day laying down for a nap w/ him (so not getting anything done during that precious time), 1 hour at bedtime laying down with him, and then awake a few times every night (he's about 18 months old at this point) helping him get back to sleep. I figured I wasn't going to have to work much harder getting him to change than I was working now.
I read every sleeping book I could find until I figured out what our issues were and how to address it. But I had tried that 'cry it out' thing w/ him and he could go for 90 minutes and that was my limit. Instead, I did the 'gradual retreat'.
See, the reason I'm posting this is because I hear people struggling with this in not just their 2 year olds... but their 6 year olds!! I think I would be absolutely mental by that point. At 42, I have very little tolerance for sleep deprivation. And some people have told me that this story gave them some good ideas and HOPE that it could change. So here is what I did.
GOT TO THE LIBRARY
I stocked up on some good books. And I mean big ones. Epic novels. Great pieces of literature that I'd always wanted to read, but lacked the focus and time to really devote to getting my head around them. And really, juicy, fun ones that you can't ever put down. I made friends with our librarian, Cindy, who just started reserving books she though I would like, and some that would challenge me. Then I sat up in bed w/ a reading light clipped onto my book and read right next to that sleep-deprived little boy. He cuddled me and tried to get my attention, but I just ignored everything. I was there, physically... but my attention was totally in my book. For an hour or more. So no more time devoted... but I did get some reading in and felt less frustrated. This went on for a week or so. Then I sat in a chair next to the bed and read. I sat as long as it took. This was a less popular option because he wanted to touch me. I mean, that's how he soothes himself to sleep because I never taught him another way. Sometimes he would protest and get out of bed. I told him if he got out of bed, I was moving another foot away. This was undesirable, so, in the end, he stayed in bed. Again another week (or two).
This carried on as I inched towards the door. But I have to warn you... if you try this, it's not always a linear progression. Things would often go well the first night or two, then there would be a backlash for a few days. But by now I was solidly into my books. This was the most selfish reading time I'd had in 2 years and I was loving it. I was there for my child. But he was not getting my attention. It was time to sleep. Around this time I was also sleeping BY MYSELF IN ANOTHER ROOM which was heaven. I was too pregnant to cuddle well and he woke less w/ his dad in the bed. Dad cuddles clearly were not the reward he was wanting. I still remember the bliss of sleeping 8 hours straight in a comfy bed all by myself after nearly 2 years of sleep deprivation.
I spent quite a long time reading just outside his door with it ajar. This is when he was nearly 2 and learned the word 'ajar'. I was still there outside the door when his sister was born. I though I wasn't ready to leave that post and needed time I didn't have anymore. I discovered he grew up quite a bit and when I put him down and the baby cried, I could say, 'Oh, I need to go check on Amelia. I'll come back and check on you later. Just go to sleep.' And he WOULD! He got it that there was someone who needed my attention MORE than he did. Sometimes I would remotely make my phone ring and say I had to go answer it and would check on him later and that worked too! So there I was, about 8-9 months later. I hadn't saved any time with all my reading, but now Rowan was well on his way to sleeping by himself and that was great. And I had become a reader again. I'd got through some thick ones which I normally wouldn't have been motivated to get through. But I was rewarded with some wonderful books. I think The Grapes of Wrath was my favorite from that time. I can't believe I hadn't read it before.
Rowan also noticed that his sister had a lovey to sleep with. A soft little baby. He said that he wanted a baby to sleep with too. (DUH!!!) So to this day, he sleeps with a lovey too.
It did take about another year or two for him to stop coming in my room most nights to get tucked back in. This took star charts and a continued effort... but less with each month. Funnily enough, the promise of a ride on the carousel for a week of not waking me up worked great when he was 3 years old. I thought he was scared and needed me, but he was fine. And knowing I could be trumped by a carousel proved it to me. Remember, this took me 8 months of being committed to a plan. But if I hadn't done it then, I know we'd still be struggling today.
Now his sister... totally different. I followed a different book on her. Sure she is a different person, but from the time she was a few weeks old, I was letting her fall asleep on her own. Giving her 3-4 minutes to whimper while she drifted off. I let her sit in her bouncy chair for short periods... giving way to longer periods in her play pen when she grew... so she could get used to playing by herself without my constant presence. I counted to 10 before I came when she cried so she could figure out I had other responsibilities. I realized it is a wonderful thing... the gift of independence. Teaching a child to rest comfortably in their own company. She was a very contented baby.
I think I had to learn what kind of parent I was and let go of the kind of parent I wanted to be. I need a lot of time on my own to not talk. I like to keep my hands busy working, making things. I like to have my kids with me, along side me, but not needing my attention all the time. And I need a schedule with predictability. I find my kids like that too. I was a really naive and idealistic new parent. I'm just glad I had a friend who had the nerve to point out that it didn't have to be the way it was and that I had the power to change it and create a happier house for everyone in it. Thanks Jen. xo
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