Life and Death: The Slaughter

Life and Death

In joy and sorrow all are equal,

Thus be guardian of all, as of yourself.

-Shantideva

Well that just about covers it, doesn't it? But what I want to write about is MEAT... and eating it. That is life and death, isn't it. I kill, so that I can live well. Sounds a bit crude, doesn't it?

I used to eat a vegetarian diet. Not for long, but for some years, then started eating meat again because my acupuncturist told me to eat meat if I wanted to improve my health (and he was right). Then back to vegetarianism for another few years (vegy boyfriend again! It was always about a boy back then) and back to meat when my health dictated I again become an omnivore for good.  

I've long accepted the whole thing that humans are generally omnivores and that's just nature.  And during my time living on a mixed organic farm over in England, I realized that an omnivore diet could be had right from that land we worked on. But a vegetarian diet (especially a vegan diet) required imports and lots of plastic wrappers. In fact, the bulk of our very minimal garbage we put out each week included tahini and tofu tubs. I know it's not that way everywhere, but at this latitude and climate, it seems to be the case. So I eat meat and I feel much better for it and know if I source my meat well and am thrifty, it works for the environment too. 

BUT COULD I KILL MY OWN MEAT? I was certain I could as well as anyone else... technically speaking. But like others who've taken the leap to raising their own food, I had to confront this big time by killing my own livestock.

CONFESSION TIME:

I should take a bit of tangent right now and make a confession. My first career was as a lab rat for big pharma and then for little biotech. Both utilize animals for research. For some reason, my job description involved quite a bit of this. I was very torn. Using a whole, live creature to test out a therapeutic on... say, a solid tumor or even graft-vs-host disease... is REALLY useful. You get all sorts of information from it. It's fascinating. But you have to cause considerable suffering in these animals (by that I mean 'I' caused considerable suffering to these animals) and then I kill them. I know they say they only use what few animals they NEED... but if you have the money, you can order all the little mice you want and do whatever the hell you like to them. It's not going to cure cancer. It's going to keep a bunch of researchers entertained, pad out their CV, and make them some money. That's it, in my opinion. Anyway, eventually this work was making me physically sick. I just couldn't justify it or even steel myself against the sadness I felt doing it or even being associated with it. So I quit. The whole field. Not saying that was the right thing to do, or that anyone else should, but that's what I did.

Life

Fast forward 10 or so years. No longer lab rat. Now wanna-be farmer. The whole thing starts around the first of March when I get a batch of baby chicks. You work hard to keep these creatures alive. And if you're like me, you create fabulous potions for them. Herbal infusions to nourish them, garlic to prevent parasites, yogurt and whey for the good bacteria (I'm even worse about all this w/ my human charges). You know how I raise them from my chicken blog post. Those of you who know me know how I can obsess about good nutrition. I even have a degree in obsession over nutrition.

Death

I will gloss over the death that I am not directly involved in. Being slow on the fencing and a little naïve about country life has caused us to lose quite a few chickens to otherwise lovely neighborhood dogs. Or one will just not show up for bedtime and a few days later I find her feathers under a tree. ??

The death I want and need to talk about happens the day of butchering a perfectly healthy chicken for the table. Let's take the rooster. I have tried keeping more than one rooster, but it hasn't worked yet. Barry (White) is our rooster. He is like a dog. He never attacks anyone w/ his long, sharp spurs and he's kind to his hens. Our last young cockerel (a leghorn) attacked all humans under 4 feet tall. Somewhat entertaining, but kind of annoying, bordering on dangerous. Thing is, I think roosters are beautiful creatures and very interesting. But with under 15 laying hens, I find that 2 roosters just rip up their back feathers and seem (to me) to be more annoying than anything (to the hens). And what about the hens? We eat them too, when they don't lay so many eggs. Around 2 ½ years old I kill them.

The first time I killed one of my chickens, it was a few years ago when I raised meat chickens. So I was killing multiple chickens in one day. I steeled myself and just got through it trying not to feel anything. That's how I got through killing all those little mice, and it seemed to work (kind of).  Anyway, it was how I was used to getting through difficult things.  I killed, I kept my cool, I persevered. I had nightmares for days. Horrible shit. Like biotech animal facility P.T.S.D. Put a hold on meat chickens for a year or so.

TIME TO WOMAN-UP

Decided to go for laying hens. Less killing. But still need to do it to be sustainable, in my view. But this time when I had only one chicken to kill, I decided I would try a different approach. I payed attention and let myself cry. (This sounds so self-indulgent when I re-read it. I mean I'M not the one getting killed here!) I wrapped the bird to keep it still, quickly cut it's throat and held it still while it's blood pumped out onto the grass. I felt everything I felt until I was done and so was the chicken. It was sad. It's just really fucking sad to kill to another living creature and watch it die.

No nightmares. Not one. Just one sad day.

I cry less each time, but it's always a sad feeling to have to kill an animal. Even a mean rooster.  Now every time, I just sit w/ the feeling until it has bled out and it's ready to scald and pluck. No more nightmares.

I now find myself much less emotional about the death of an animal. And I don't think it's just me being hardened to death, or desensitized. It feels like something different. When I read books by Pema Chodron, a Buddhist nun, she talks about something called a 'Tonglen' practice. Remember that old advice of 'breathe in the good, and breathe out the bad'? Well, this is the opposite. Chodron describes it this way:
     “We breathe in what is painful and unwanted with the sincere wish that we and
     others could be free of suffering. As we do so, we drop the story line that goes
     along with the pain and feel the underlying energy. We completely open our
    hearts and minds to whatever arises. Exhaling, we send out relief from the 
    pain with the intention that we and others be happy.”

I KNOW!! I asked that too! 'Why would I want to take on all that pain ON PURPOSE??' She explains:

“When we are willing to stay even a moment with uncomfortable energy, we gradually learn not to fear it.”

We learn not to fear it. THAT is what it feels like. I still feel loss and sadness. It's all there. But I have made the commitment to sit there and feel it to the end with this creature, and I don't feel fear of those feelings. I am 42 years old and have been working with practices like this for about 10 years or so (when I'm paying attention) and this still does not come easily, or quickly. But it feels very important... even essential... to my life. I can feel strong (even difficult) feelings and not have to numb out. I know it's just a chicken, but it's the same hard shit whether you've lost your job, lost your mother or lost a baby... or just fucked up big time.

For me, it's all about being able to stay and feel.